To tell my story about Maria I have to first begin with me. I am a 35 year old woman with stage III breast cancer. It sucks! People tell me ‘it is what it is’ but I don’t want it to be ‘what it is’ I want it to be gone! I am mad and I cry often. I hate everything about having cancer except for Maria.When I first met Maria she was working as an RN for my primary physician a year before my diagnoses and was always kind to me. So it came as a surprise and a relief that she was now working with my oncologist. However, I was not aware of this until I walked in for my first AC infusion. I was scared to death! I walked into the room slowly and with much hesitation. What I really wanted to do was walk right back out and down to the beach and forget about this whole cancer thing. Maria remembered me and greeted me with a great big, warm smile which helped put me at ease. She prompted me to sit anywhere. As I began to sit the tears began to flow. Maria had probably seen it a hundred times and could have chosen to act callous and go about her business but she didn’t. She stopped what she was doing, sat down beside me and put her hand on my knees. She acknowledged my fears and told me that I would get through this and they (her & the doctor) would be there to help me do it. She smiled broadly and told me ‘you can do it’ and I believed her.I did not do well at all with the AC infusions I was so nauseated and couldn’t get off the toilet. My body was pissed! The doctor told me to come in and they would give me something intravenously to help with the nausea. Because of the 45 minute drive to the office I would be arriving close to the time they would be closing but Maria told me not to worry that she would be there. She was, with her warm smile and easy grace of putting me at ease. Maria tried for two and a half hours, well past closing, to help get rid of my nausea. She gave me everything she could. I was in tears, but Maria never complained, she just kept working and trying.Having done everything she could it was time for me to trek my way back home, but I still had one concern, there was no toilet in my car! I cried as I asked Maria for a diaper, humiliated with my situation. She helped me to laugh at my situation by saying with gentle eyes ‘Serenity, this is just another page in your book.’ This is why I adore Maria, she can make me laugh at the worst moments. Months later I found out that this night had been her anniversary night and her family had been waiting for her! That’s Maria-she unselfishly gives herself to me and her other patients always. Every time I come in for an infusion she never rushes to put my Huber needle in my port. She always takes a moment to sit down in front of me, look me in the eyes and pay me a compliment. She asks how I am doing and asks it genuinely, I know she really cares and isn’t just playing a part. Maria is a healer! She lights up a room and puts her patients at ease with her grace and care free smile. She is real, her laughter is infectious and sincere. I could not have been more blessed, Maria is my Angel. Overlooking me from one doctor to the next. I don’t think it was a coincidence that she is now working for my oncologist, I think God blessed me with her.
So Here I Sit on a chaise lounge overlooking the aquamarine sea of the Bahamas with nothing more then the clothes I am wearing a sundress, razor, toothbrush and bathing suit in my overnight bag. I flew out here on a Gulfstream to deposit my passengers on Nassau for their family vacation. I am staying at the Sheraton at $200 a night whereas they are staying at The One and Only Resort and paying $10,000 a night for their villa, no doubt. Nevertheless, the view and beauty of the island, the people and the water are the same and so I smile. I thank God for the opportunity to be here, if only for a moment.
The dark clouds, signaling the beginning of a tropical storm are beginning to roll in as if sensing that the sun has just sunk beneath the deepness of the waters. They roll in as if their purpose is to claim the sky now that the competition has faded. Lightening is lighting up the freshly darkened sky and the thunder bangs loudly fighting for the attention over the music blaring annoyingly from three weddings happening consecutively on one stretch of beach. I tune out the music blaring out of the speakers and tune into the music from the sky.
I am lying on my white and blue striped chaise lounge drinking an ‘Island’ drink front row to an amazing sight of nature in its finest moment. My feet are dusted in the same pale white sand that surrounds me as I sit in awe and watch nature’s show. The drops have begun to fall from the sky and I place a towel over me and my blackberry. My Yellowbird island concoction, forgotten, stands like a brave solider on the table beside me facing the fury of the storm as the drops plaster my hair to the shape of my head. I do not move as others rush to the cover of the rooftops. Nothing feels better then the rain on ones skin and I welcome the feeling.
I am alone on the beach, everyone has run for cover as if the rain left to fall on them would expose their deepest and darkest secrets and desires. I have nothing to hide so I sit. It’s just me, the rain and the screaming sea before me. The water beckons me to come and swim with it so I stand and slip out of my Diesels and throw my tank over my head letting it fall. I stride with purpose toward the calling sea and dive beneath the crystal darkness. The fury of the sea and me becoming one. I feel powerful in this moment and I engulf myself in the feeling as I swim with the current along the coastline and then turn to go against it.
The swim is no different then my life. Initially I am flowing, gliding, drifting with the current lazily and happily, then suddenly out of no where the current shifts and I am struggling and fighting to keep my head above water. The current I thought was my direction and purpose ends up trying to take me under. I can not calm the fury, like the storm I must wait it out. However, it is a peaceful fury, not one of hate nor resentment but rather one of confusion and fear. Fear of committing to any one thing, person or place. I am afraid of missing out, not living my life to the fullest, of getting caught in matters that have no weight in the meaning of life. I struggle to learn how not to drown in this feeling?
I once asked a passenger of mine if he knew the meaning of life. He glanced over at me slyly and said he knew the meaning of life. From the outside this guy looks like he has it all. Good job, good family, good health and abundant wealth so of course when he said this I was intrigued. Was I really going to learn the meaning of life while flying in a Gulftream as close to heaven as I can possibly get while breath still flows through my lungs? I sat on the edge of my leather seat holding my breath as I waited for his reply.
His answer was simple yet true and I do believe he could be right.
"The Meaning Of Life is to be happy and what evokes happiness is having a perfect balance of faith, family, health and wealth. If the scale dips too far on the side of one of these things the balance is upset. Think about it: If you have all the money in the world but your health is poor then you are unable to enjoy your money, or your family. If however, you have wealth, faith, and family but not your health then you need money to help pay for your medical needs. Without money to do so then you will probably be very unhappy despite having the other three aspects of happiness.. If you have your health, money and family but no faith then you are ignoring the fact that there is something bigger then yourself that presents the other three keys to happiness in your life."
Really, anyway you work it all four things combined are the key to happiness and therefore the meaning of life.
With this new found knowledge and understanding I can fight the currents of my life and learn to flow with the stream rather then against it. Slowly I swim toward shore and release myself from the fury of the sea that threatened to keep me down. I walk over to my chaise lounge and wrap myself in a towel as I gather my things, head for my room, a hot shower and room service.
