October 17th, 2009 Back Burner...

...we all have them. Some of us have more then others. It's not unusual for some people to have a dozen back burners. At the moment I only have one. It's a back burner I have had for awhile. It's consistent, convenient and hot. It's on constant burn when needed. It's nice knowing that at any given moment when I am in town all I have to do is text him my desire to see him that night for dinner and as long as he is in town, it's on!
It usually starts with his assistant making reservations for us at the latest "IT" spot, a kiss on the lips,

"Hi, how have you been?, Good to see you again."

Sly glances across the table as his fingers graze mine over a candlelit table and untouched glasses of wine. We talk about life, my latest adventure, his latest films.

It's nice knowing my Back Burner is always there to burn when I need him most:

Latest date wasn't so great...call Tucker.

Relationship just ended...call Tucker.

Hungry...call Tucker.

Need a place to sleep and a body to keep me warm...call Tucker.

In New York...call Tucker.

In LA...call Tucker.

He always comes through. I must admit I've been kind of spoiled knowing I can fall back on him to fill the needs that aren't being met by the other men in my life or the occasional lack there of.

Healthy? Probably not, but then again there are worse things I could be doing to preoccupy my time. And besides, we like each other and we get along. Our relationship suits us.

I've always had a bit of a problem with commitment and so it's nice knowing that I can have a man when I need him and my freedom when I don't. Besides, it works well for him too.
Tucker has no desire to be in a relationship, he's committed to his work so we both get what we want without having to give more then we are willing and wanting to give.

When we first met at Club Tao in Vegas I was looking for a fun fling, no strings attached, that is exactly what I get from Tucker.

However, more and more lately I have become bored with the whole fling thing. Or at least it seems to be that way. Perhaps it's Tucker that I have become bored with. Not particularly him necessarily but our relationship. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I can now treat myself to fancy dinners and nice hotels, and my work keeps me surrounded by the glamor and wealth that made me in awe of Tucker in the first place or perhaps it is because of the mundane conversations we have every time we see each other.

Just the other day he asked me a question he's asked me every time we see each other for the past two years and I finally looked at him and said
'Our conversations would be more interesting if we didn't have the same one every time.'
He looked at me dumbfounded. I continued
'It's just that you ask me the same things . It would be nice if you actually paid attention and remembered the answers I gave you.'
You see, I know Tucker is an extremely intelligent man, but when it comes to women, he's not all that. He's a bit awkward and lacks charisma.

I will admit that he has become better at opening doors since we've met and makes a point of waiting so that I can walk in front of him and I love these gestures in a man. Tucker can be sweet and endearing and as a result part of me falsely believes that there is something more between us when in all actuality there is not. Not that there couldn't be more. In fact, I think we would be good with each other. However, we have set a precedence for our relationship and it is not one of commitment to each other. Nevertheless, we have become more then just a fling, we have become friends and in the end that is what keeps me wanting to see him. A familiar face, smile, laugh, ease, comfort. Truly, we have a relationship that others would envy. We each have and lead our own lives yet, when we are wanting to share our lives with someone else we have each other.

Most recently I began dating a ex again and so Tucker will once again return to the back burner, however I am faced with a rather complicated situation. My renewed boyfriend is following his dreams of getting into film. He wants to become a Director and is going back to college to get his Masters in Film. Stupidly,I told him I knew the hottest producer in Hollywood and that I would set up dinner for the two of them to meet so that hopefully Biddy, my renewed man, would have a very prominent IN into the movie industry. Unfortunately, now I am faced with the very uncomfortable realization that I will have to explain to each one of them how I happen to know the other.

'Hi Tucker, meet Biddy, my boyfriend that I just got back together with and I would really like you to take under your wing so that one day we will be flying in private jets just like you. Unfortunately, this mean that we won't be falling asleep in each others arms anymore, but should me and Biddy break up again, you know I will be calling you up for dinner and the Malibu Inn'

'Biddy, meet Tucker, the guy I have been dating for two years. Yes, we've slept together. No, you and I haven't. And yes, I started dating him again when you and I broke up, and yes, if we break up again I will most definitely find myself wrapped in his arms in his bed again.'

'have you boys decided what you're going to have for dinner?'

Yes, I can see it all so clearly now and I clearly see that there is no good way to introduce the two so I will simply have to ignore the fact that I made such a stupid suggestion. After all, I should only put myself in such an awkward situation if Biddy was my husband not simply a boyfriend that could very easily become my ex again. That would leave me with no back burner and an ex that was flying private without me. Bad, bad idea. I must learn to keep my mouth shut.

It's becoming all to obvious that I think and act like a dude "tell the girl whatever she wants to hear so that I can get laid tonight". I must learn how to get the guy back with simple wit and charm rather then making promises of fame by introducing him to my Back Burner.

And so the saga of my life continues as I dig deeper and deeper holes into my world so that eventually every person that I have encountered will meld into the other and I will no longer have to make decisions but rather grab a large spoon and dig into the mush pot of my life and enjoy each bite.

My Sis' Story

Maria Full of Grace

To tell my story about Maria I have to first begin with me. I am a 35 year old woman with stage III breast cancer. It sucks! People tell me ‘it is what it is’ but I don’t want it to be ‘what it is’ I want it to be gone! I am mad and I cry often. I hate everything about having cancer except for Maria. When I first met Maria she was working as an RN for my primary physician a year before my diagnoses and was always kind to me. So it came as a surprise and a relief that she was now working with my oncologist. However, I was not aware of this until I walked in for my first AC infusion. I was scared to death! I walked into the room slowly and with much hesitation. What I really wanted to do was walk right back out and down to the beach and forget about this whole cancer thing. Maria remembered me and greeted me with a great big, warm smile which helped put me at ease. She prompted me to sit anywhere. As I began to sit the tears began to flow. Maria had probably seen it a hundred times and could have chosen to act callous and go about her business but she didn’t. She stopped what she was doing, sat down beside me and put her hand on my knees. She acknowledged my fears and told me that I would get through this and they (her & the doctor) would be there to help me do it. She smiled broadly and told me ‘you can do it’ and I believed her. I did not do well at all with the AC infusions I was so nauseated and couldn’t get off the toilet. My body was pissed! The doctor told me to come in and they would give me something intravenously to help with the nausea. Because of the 45 minute drive to the office I would be arriving close to the time they would be closing but Maria told me not to worry that she would be there. She was, with her warm smile and easy grace of putting me at ease. Maria tried for two and a half hours, well past closing, to help get rid of my nausea. She gave me everything she could. I was in tears, but Maria never complained, she just kept working and trying. Having done everything she could it was time for me to trek my way back home, but I still had one concern, there was no toilet in my car! I cried as I asked Maria for a diaper, humiliated with my situation. She helped me to laugh at my situation by saying with gentle eyes ‘Serenity, this is just another page in your book.’ This is why I adore Maria, she can make me laugh at the worst moments. Months later I found out that this night had been her anniversary night and her family had been waiting for her! That’s Maria-she unselfishly gives herself to me and her other patients always. Every time I come in for an infusion she never rushes to put my Huber needle in my port. She always takes a moment to sit down in front of me, look me in the eyes and pay me a compliment. She asks how I am doing and asks it genuinely, I know she really cares and isn’t just playing a part. Maria is a healer! She lights up a room and puts her patients at ease with her grace and care free smile. She is real, her laughter is infectious and sincere. I could not have been more blessed, Maria is my Angel. Overlooking me from one doctor to the next. I don’t think it was a coincidence that she is now working for my oncologist, I think God blessed me with her.

The Meaning of Life:

June, 28th 2009

So Here I Sit on a chaise lounge overlooking the aquamarine sea of the Bahamas with nothing more then the clothes I am wearing a sundress, razor, toothbrush and bathing suit in my overnight bag. I flew out here on a Gulfstream to deposit my passengers on Nassau for their family vacation. I am staying at the Sheraton at $200 a night whereas they are staying at The One and Only Resort and paying $10,000 a night for their villa, no doubt. Nevertheless, the view and beauty of the island, the people and the water are the same and so I smile. I thank God for the opportunity to be here, if only for a moment.

The dark clouds, signaling the beginning of a tropical storm are beginning to roll in as if sensing that the sun has just sunk beneath the deepness of the waters. They roll in as if their purpose is to claim the sky now that the competition has faded. Lightening is lighting up the freshly darkened sky and the thunder bangs loudly fighting for the attention over the music blaring annoyingly from three weddings happening consecutively on one stretch of beach. I tune out the music blaring out of the speakers and tune into the music from the sky.

I am lying on my white and blue striped chaise lounge drinking an ‘Island’ drink front row to an amazing sight of nature in its finest moment. My feet are dusted in the same pale white sand that surrounds me as I sit in awe and watch nature’s show. The drops have begun to fall from the sky and I place a towel over me and my blackberry. My Yellowbird island concoction, forgotten, stands like a brave solider on the table beside me facing the fury of the storm as the drops plaster my hair to the shape of my head. I do not move as others rush to the cover of the rooftops. Nothing feels better then the rain on ones skin and I welcome the feeling.

I am alone on the beach, everyone has run for cover as if the rain left to fall on them would expose their deepest and darkest secrets and desires. I have nothing to hide so I sit. It’s just me, the rain and the screaming sea before me. The water beckons me to come and swim with it so I stand and slip out of my Diesels and throw my tank over my head letting it fall. I stride with purpose toward the calling sea and dive beneath the crystal darkness. The fury of the sea and me becoming one. I feel powerful in this moment and I engulf myself in the feeling as I swim with the current along the coastline and then turn to go against it.

The swim is no different then my life. Initially I am flowing, gliding, drifting with the current lazily and happily, then suddenly out of no where the current shifts and I am struggling and fighting to keep my head above water. The current I thought was my direction and purpose ends up trying to take me under. I can not calm the fury, like the storm I must wait it out. However, it is a peaceful fury, not one of hate nor resentment but rather one of confusion and fear. Fear of committing to any one thing, person or place. I am afraid of missing out, not living my life to the fullest, of getting caught in matters that have no weight in the meaning of life. I struggle to learn how not to drown in this feeling?


I once asked a passenger of mine if he knew the meaning of life. He glanced over at me slyly and said he knew the meaning of life. From the outside this guy looks like he has it all. Good job, good family, good health and abundant wealth so of course when he said this I was intrigued. Was I really going to learn the meaning of life while flying in a Gulftream as close to heaven as I can possibly get while breath still flows through my lungs? I sat on the edge of my leather seat holding my breath as I waited for his reply.

His answer was simple yet true and I do believe he could be right.

"The Meaning Of Life is to be happy and what evokes happiness is having a perfect balance of faith, family, health and wealth. If the scale dips too far on the side of one of these things the balance is upset. Think about it: If you have all the money in the world but your health is poor then you are unable to enjoy your money, or your family. If however, you have wealth, faith, and family but not your health then you need money to help pay for your medical needs. Without money to do so then you will probably be very unhappy despite having the other three aspects of happiness.. If you have your health, money and family but no faith then you are ignoring the fact that there is something bigger then yourself that presents the other three keys to happiness in your life."

Really, anyway you work it all four things combined are the key to happiness and therefore the meaning of life.

With this new found knowledge and understanding I can fight the currents of my life and learn to flow with the stream rather then against it. Slowly I swim toward shore and release myself from the fury of the sea that threatened to keep me down. I walk over to my chaise lounge and wrap myself in a towel as I gather my things, head for my room, a hot shower and room service.

...time to enjoy life

Unanswered Questions:

May 19th, 2009

It’s 9:30 at night, I am sitting on my fluffy, bleach white bed at Shutters in Santa Monica. I am exhausted after a flight home from the Bahamas with the Cyrus family but not too exhausted to indulge in a perfectly grilled & seasoned plate of salmon and broccolini after reading lazily in the jetted spa tub overlooking the ocean while sipping on an obsessively expensive glass of Zinfandel and lost in The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemmingway. Tucker is at the Cannes Film Festival and will be arriving here tomorrow so that we can go to dinner. He set up a room for me tonight and tomorrow along with some spending cash so that I could stay in town and be here when he returns from France after a week of pushing his films to the international markets.

I am looking forward to seeing his smile, it has been too long. The last time we saw each other was in New York when he took me to a Broadway show he would be investing in. After the show we hopped into a waiting black SUV and settled in as the driver zoomed us through the city towards Tucker’s hotel, 60 Thompson, so that we could grab a drink and a bite to eat. His suite with mirror polished wood floors, bedroom, living room, guest bathroom and a view of the city screams luxury. Tucker pops a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and we settle into our routine. It has been nearly a month since then. Our schedules keep us busy and makes it difficult for us to see each other very often. Add on the two hour drive that separates us and it’s next to impossible to see each other much more then we do.

So, as I sit in the center of my bed savoring the meal laid out in front of me I find myself both excited and anxious about Tucker’s arrival tomorrow. Why does he want to see me so bad that he’s willing to drop a couple grand on a hotel room so that I can stick around until he returns? Is he hoping for something I am not willing to give? I know, I know, you’re thinking dumb question right? Normally I would agree but Tucker knows I won’t go down that road with him. However, I am starting to worry that I need to clarify this again.

On the other hand, I can’t help but hope that he is simply doing this because he genuinely misses me like he says he does and has no expectations of anything more then dinner and our typical amazing conversations tomorrow night before twisting up with one another to the sound of the waves. It's not that I don't want more with Tucker but rather it's because I have decided that I no longer want to ride down the middle of the road with him. I’m okay with us being friends or more then friends, of course, but I am not okay with doing anything less then those two options. So as a way of testing the waters I have been treading in for nearly two years I have told him no more craziness and he seems, so far, to be okay with it. Perhaps though he is hoping a little bit of pampering will loosen the girdle. The realization that this might be the purpose of his charm suddenly makes me regret having agreed to this rendezvous.

How to get out of this?

Moments after having this thought I am saved by a txt that reads: ‘Are you still available for a flight leaving tomorrow?’ Why yes, yes I am! I txt Tucker the news and apologize for having to leave before his arrival. I cancel our ocean front room for the following night and our massages. I am off to the East Coast in the morning and have avoided having to ask him for an answer to the question that still hangs in the air. “Was it about sex or was it about something more?”
A question a girl always wants an answer to but

a question a girl must never ask the boy.

The Life of Them:

Stars, they’re just like us but with more money. No seriously they are. Many of us look at stars like immortals, wanting to be like them, look like them, dress like them. Some even go as far as getting plastic surgery mimicking the look of their famed starlet. These stars are our idols, fashion guru, gateway to a world most of us will never experience simply because we will don’t have the cash flow to shop on Rodeo, or fly in a Gulf-stream drifting through a sunset and into a sunrise. We think their world is perfect, that they have no flaws, no issues, no worries, that they always get their heart throb and never any heartaches. In other words they can have their cake and eat it too but they don’t and besides who came up with that lame saying anyway? What’s the point in having cake and not being able to eat it? Can we please come up with a better saying then this when it comes to wanting the things we think we want in life but can not have? That saying is for the birds! Now there’s a saying worth keeping around and applies to the ideals we perceive of the stars and the pedestals we place them on.

Today, I flew an obsessively famous young girl who at the age of 16 in one year earned $25 million. There are not many, if only a handful of people who would not know who she is. She is plastered all over the TV, the magazines, little girls envy and covet her life as well as most girls at any age. To them she is perfect. Perfect life, perfect family, perfect smile, perfect voice, perfect boyfriend, simply perfect. However, this girl is far from having insecurities similar to, if not exactly like every other person that fantasizes about living her life and walking in her Jimmy Choos shoes. We have an image in our minds of what it must be like to be them, but our ideals are usually terribly misconstrued.

As the GIV revved up and the wealthy, ‘we can have any materialistic thing our hearts desire’ family settled in with loaded anticipation for their family vacation to the Bahamas this ‘perfect’ girl flipped through the magazines and as the plane taxied the girls, loud and boisterous talked about Prada, plastic surgery and a new set of ‘racks’, tattoos and the latest fashions. In the midst of the conversation the ‘perfect’ girl continued to flip through the glossy pages of “People” magazine and as she studied each famous face the insecurities flourished engulfing the ‘perfect’ girl in the same way it does every girl or boy that flips through the same glossy pages and sees a beautiful face staring back. As she looked she voiced her fears, her insecurities ‘people think I am dumb, but it’s just that I am smarter then them,’ ‘she’s so beautiful I wish I looked like her’ - I wish, I wish, I wish, I want, I want, I want. Little do we all realize we are those same people plastered on the glossy pages. We are just like them, they are just like us just with more cash in the bank, more worries and less opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life like a lunch with friends that isn’t being watched and contrived into something sinister by the hidden face clicking photographs and creating an entire headline out of a brief moment of a second of that famous persons life.

The sad reality is those people want to be us. Those people look at our lives and want the freedom to walk down the street, enjoy a cup of coffee at their local coffee shop, hug their friends, shop and take a vacation all without the pointing, the stares and the cameras flashing causing momentary blindness and the stories that will inevitably ensue as a result of doing what we, the ‘mediocre’, get to do freely everyday. True we may not have the high net worth these glossy faces do and when we take our vacations we most likely will be flying coach all while rubbing elbows with the sweaty, too large for the seat passenger beside us and once at our destination we will not be checking into the Four Seasons at $900/night but we are free to do what we want, be what we want and love who we want without scrutiny from strangers. The simple fact is, no amount of money can buy that kind of luxury.


So be happy! Love what you’ve had in your life, what you have in your life and what you will be blessed with in your life but,

be careful of what you ask for
because you might just get it...

My Online Dating Profile:

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I LOVE to travel. I like surfing, camping, diving. I like working out, running, hiking, bike rides, walks/runs on the beach. Amusement parks, going out to eat, reading. I like game nights w/ my friends, cooking dinner, sunsets & sunrises, music

my job:

I travel a lot for business. And I never know when I am going to be traveling so I need a guy who is secure and understands when I have to jet off. I am goal oriented and work hard at my job, but I will always make time for my man ;)

my ethnicity:

On my dads side, Croatian. On my Moms side German & Irish...I'm a mut I guess, but Lady Godiva is in my family tree! Which pretty much explains me ;)

my education:

I have a BA in Environmental Studies.

favorite hot spots:

Swamis. Las Olas in Cardiff, wine bars & Italian Restaurants. I want to travel to Cambodia, Croatia, Peru, Italy, Africa, Caymans Europe, Dubai, Argentina, River Raft dwn the Grand Canyon, Sky Dive. Cabana on the ocean, Maldives. Live music

favorite things:

I love the rain, I like running in the rain or cuddled up on the couch w/ a fire, tea & a book. Enchiladas, mac & cheese, plain yogurt, tofu. Spending time w/ family, friends. Being outside, active, Daffodils, tight hugs.

last read:

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale - a classic. The Celestine Prophecy, TRUMP, The Richest Man In Babylon, Ernest Hemingway

About my life and what I'm looking for

I am a girl that likes to have fun and works hard to create a good life for myself. I want a guy who is ambitious and driven in life and is always striving to be better, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and knows how to have fun in life. I am looking for a guy that loves to travel, loves the ocean, is romantic and affectionate.
I love taking care of my man, cooking him dinner and doing little things for him that make him feel special, but don't "expect" this, I am not your mom and I want a guy that knows how to take care of himself, is self-sufficient and successful. I want a guy that pays attention to the little things and appreciates these things. Looking for a guy who is family oriented, has a close group of friends likes to go out but is not a partier or drinker. I want a guy that is patient, honest, loyal, has strong ethic & moral values, believes in God or is spiritual, is intelligent and can have deep, meaningful conversations. A guy that can laugh and have fun, doesn't take life too seriously and is a hard worker, manly handyman. I am a very independent girl, I know what I want and go after it. I am driven and intellectual, I can fit into any social situation and feel equally comfortable dining at a Four Seasons or the local pub. When I travel I want to engulf myself in the culture which typically means I like my travels to be 3/4 weeks long, but happily love the short vacation too! I love helping others and animals. I am a big animal lover and I love older people, I think they are adorable and that there is so much we can learn from them. I want a guy that is willing to try knew things and who encourages me to try new things. I am incredibly supportive of my man, his goals and ambitions and I want the same support & encouragement from him. I do not want a guy that expects me to drop my life, I want us to be a partnership, always there for one another. I don't like games, if you like me then like me and let's do what it takes to have a happy, healthy, romantic and affectionate relationship that others envy. Life is too short to settle, we only go around once and I do not believe in staying in something that is not healthy, does not make me strive to be a better person or that doesn't make me happy. I want someone to match me or bring me up, not bring me down. I don't think chivalry should be dead, I like when a guy opens the car door for me. I like to feel protected and cared for. Walk on the street side when strolling with me on the side walk, put your hand on my back when we cross a street. When did we take out the word "gentle" when referring to men? I want a gentleman :)
What you will get from me. I love love love being there for my man and doing little sweet things for him. If I am your girl I am YOUR girl and you never have to worry. I am affectionate, caring, sexy, loving, honest - I can not tell a lie, I've tried and I am terrible at it! ;)
In the end, I want a friend. Someone to confide in, to work out situations and find solutions together.

Someone I could not imagine living without just because...

Let Me Introduce You To Me...

May 5th, 2009

So it appears there is a bit of confusion out there...
Who is this girl and what does she do? Is she a flight attendant on private jets or a real estate agent? No worries I completely understand the confusion, I ask this same question of myself everyday - who am I, what do I do? I mean who doesn’t? Honestly though I get that my blog is probably just as confusing as my life. If you want I could sit here and write a daily mundane journal of my life like the rest of the population but that’s not why you’re reading it, is it? Besides my life is anything but mundane. If I could I would blog a life that flowed like the delta river out to the sea. One direction, knowing its destination, getting caught every once in a while in a puddle on the side of the bank where it can sit, breath and re-group and perhaps catch some rays but no I am more like the Bermuda Triangle. Water screaming in every which direction, pulling, pushing, diving, jumping, spinning. Yep, that's me. I even have a motto for my life:

'I do a little bit of everything and I am great at every little thing I do'.

(Tucker loves this quote of mine. He swears he’ll put it in one of his movies, but I didn’t coin him with the name ‘Tucker the Talker’ for nothing and so I don’t hold my breath for his words to become a reality but it would be really cool if he did!)

I use to call myself an entrepreneur but on a flight one day with some uber rich male playboys I over heard one of “the girls” tell the boys “I am an entrepreneur”. Wait a second here, did I hear her right? Crap, no wonder I can never get a boy to take my business plan seriously when I ask for his advice and insight. The whole time he's thinking 'so when is this entrepreneur going to stop blabbing and get on her knees?'

Note to self: When asked what I do for a living, for the love of goodness DO NOT say you are an entrepreneur! Simply state 'I am a business developer' - CHECK. That otta solve this problem.

So anyways back to your questions: 'who is this girl?' - Ahhh well if you and me had more time then a blog I could start from the beginning, but the basics are laid out like this: Since the ripe ol' age of 5 I have had a boyfriend. No silly not the same one, many. But I am what you would call an "innocent" or as the boys in high school would say "a locked box" but I suppose being called this in high school outweighs the alternative and so I have remained. Of course I’ve slept with my boyfriends, I am not claiming to be the Virgin Mary, but I don’t sleep around either. Ever since the first grade I have jumped from one boyfriend to the next kinda like a monkey who won't let go of one branch until she, at the very least has the next branch in view. In college I changed majors just as often as boys and now I change jobs just as frequently as I did majors. So please try and keep up, good luck, and if you can will you please fill me in cause I am still lost when it comes to figuring me out?

I use to say there was a one year expiration date and when that expiration got near...watch out! You know kinda like that pint of yogurt in your fridge that says ‘Best Used By...’ well that’s how I view the majority of things in my life, switch up flavors when it gets old. So typically as the ‘Best Used By’ year gets closer I start getting itchy feet, I get bored, eager to check out new sites, new flavors new adventures, change the scene. As a result my picture changes often. The one thing that remains constant in my life is that it is always changing, except for my family & friends of course. They’re more like Twinkies. Hanging out in the back of my cupboard, no expiration, always standing by. There in my weakest moments, satisfaction guaranteed, unconditional and always filled with love. Gotta love’em!

Despite my desire to always switch up my scene the flavor - ie: my boyfriends, typically have a longer “Use by” date. In fact, most of my relationships have been, on average three years. However, I don’t like surprises and I like knowing when the hurtful break-up is going to ensue and so I am usually the one that kicks up my heels and walks away. Now don’t go getting all judge-mental on me, by no means were any of these boys perfect and often times f’up up royally (that is all but one, but even then something was missing and so I said goodbye). I figure why bother? Keep swinging until I can reach the next branch, perhaps this next one can actually hold me.

After my last dreadfully awful relationship that lasted 2 years and 8 months longer then it ever should have ended I decided to finally take a break from boys. Well not boys perse, and I am not switching to girls, but a break from relationships. For the first time in my life I decided to just go out and have fun, date whoever I want and as many as I want, stay away from serious and live vicariously through dating. Re-discover me, what I want in my life rather then what he/they always wanted from me. So here I am a free woman unleashed to do, see, be who I want to be with no one to worry about but me and I must admit it feels fabulous! Now I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but for the first time I think mine actually is so I think I’ll hang here for a bit and as the saying goes “mow my own grass”.

This is how I came to meet Tucker a boy that I... well we... well he... well crap... I have no idea what we are if anything, but whatever it is I like to call it ‘my on-going date’. To sum it up we have fun together and when we are together he acts as if I am the only woman in the room and I feel incredibly sexy when I am with him. I imagine he is very good at making all women feel this way when they are with him. I have no doubt that he is a playboy, but there is an innocence about him, an awkwardness that I find endearing. Now I have never had a relationship with anyone like Tucker. He’s one of the untouchables - the Los Angeles eternal Bachelor. He’s incredibly, sexy, charming, intelligent, wealthy and powerful. I would like to think I will make my match with someone like this and it’s fun to pretend as if me and Tucker are. However, if nothing else I am practical and I have read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and so I know that what we have is what we have, nothing more, but nothing less then what it is, fun. After all it’s hard to turn down evenings at the Four Seasons, exotic dinners by candle light at the latest hot spots. Waking up to the sound of the ocean as I lay curled up in the warmth of his arms in his beach house nestled on the hills of Malibu overlooking an unobstructed view of the ocean as I lay in his bed. Not to mention the shopping sprees at Barney’s, massages and dinners with other high net worth makers and shakers, famous actors and the mayor of Los Angeles approaching our table to shake hands with my date. And so a year and a half after meeting Tucker at club Tao in Las Vegas we still meet up about once a month for dinner, good conversation, laughs and spooning. However, my life and dating routine does not revolve around our moments and so I have dated other boys since meeting Tucker and I can happily gloat that Tucker is not my only millionaire.

Another boy I dated for a moment, better described as a summer fling I met on one of my flights. I was called for a last minute flight leaving for Mexico, Chile, Argentina and New York with a final destination in Barcelona Spain. I was told by dispatch that my lead passenger was a world famous soccer player. Well, I played soccer in high school but it is not a sport I follow. Heck, for that matter there aren’t any sports that I follow and so I had no idea what my soccer player looked like as 8 gorgeous men boarded my plane nor in that moment did I care. I was a happy girl, this was going to be a fun trip and so it was.

Moments into the flight one of my gorgeous passengers was making a serious move on me and to be honest I was slightly embarrassed by his forwardness. Toward the end of our first leg after much flirting and intentional ‘accidental’ bumping into he asked me what I would be doing once we got to Chile and if I would like to grab dinner and go out on the town with him and the rest of the boys. I was screaming inside ‘Heck yes!’ but I innocently said ‘sure’ as I handed him my phone number. Who cares who the famous soccer player is, this boy is hot. Later that night as I sat with my pilots in the VIP lounge drinking a glass of wine I got a call from my boy. They’re ready to head to dinner and he wants me to meet them in the lobby of their hotel in an hour.

I flag down a taxi and as my driver pulls into the driveway on their hotel my heartbeat hits overdrive. I walk into the lobby but do not see him. I call his phone, he doesn’t answer. Should I sit in the bar and wait, or in the lounge? Hmmm. I decide instead to be pro-active so I go up to the front desk and ask for his room number. The guy behind the desk stares at me wide eyed and does not respond so I assume he does not understand what I am asking him with my broken spanish. Nevermind, it’s not important, I’ll wait. I wander around for a moment before my boy calls, peeks his head out of a set of double doors and summons me to enter the room. He holds the door open for me and we walk back into the room together. Suddenly my date is surrounded by body guards and flashing cameras. I scoot to the side, not knowing what to do.

Holy Crap! My date IS the world famous soccer player.
You have got to be kidding! How did I not know this?

Dumb question right? But who’s thinking straight in moment like this? No wonder the guy behind the desk just stared at me like I was nuts and said he wouldn’t be listed under his name.

My famous date finishes up his interview and we all pile into a van as the driver starts the engine. There are two vans. Me and my eight gorgeous passengers are in one, we all say hi and kiss each other on the cheek, Eurpopean style - double sided. The other van is loaded with body guards and another body guard sits in the front passenger seat of our van as the two vans head off toward dinner. As we approach our destination up ahead the restaurant is surrounded by the paparazzi, lights flashing, photographers crowding, invading. Before the driver even stops my date is out of the van in a flash, surrounded by a sea of body guards and ushered into the restaurant. I am left to fend for myself. I step out of the van and walk into the maze of flashing lights toward the entry of the restaurant through the throngs of cameras that are popping my personal bubble. I am in a daze and it’s not a result of the flashing lights.

We sit and eat sushi, my date is charming and funny. We laugh as he steals pieces of sushi from my chop sticks as I attempt to take a bite. His body guards have positioned themselves around the table and as the restaurant patrons stare we continue on as if we are the only people in the restaurant. We finish dinner and as we stand to leave and return to the van my dates manager asks me to hang back so that the paparazzi does not get pictures of me and my famous date leaving the restaurant together.

We arrive at the club and the rest of the night continues on like this. Flashing cameras, stares, pointing, crowds, invasion of my bubble and body guards. My date and I are dancing to the beat of the inccessently loud, thumping music. He has great moves. He moves closer and closer, our cheeks touching his lips brushing my neck and cheek. He goes in for the kiss, but I don’t dare. He is my passenger, I must uphold a level of professionalism. Dancing? Sure, why not? Kissing? No way mister. I am a lady after all.

We take a break from the hip grinding and I head for the ladies room. One of the body guards looms over, I assume it’s because he needs to use the restroom but instead he stands guard at the entryway into the ladies room, guarding me as I pee and not allowing anyone else to enter. Now this is something I could get used too! As me and my body guard head back through the club toward our private balcony overlooking the sea of club goers my body guard grabs me and places me in front of him. I prepare myself for the all too familiar act of swimming up stream through a torrent of salty clubbers, but instead there is a clear path in front of me as if Moses has parted the sea. I am in awe as I glide untouched between a trail of body guards that hold the fans at bay. I have become famous by default. Everyone wants a glimpse of the girl who’s dating the worlds most famed and highest paid soccer player.

The trip continues on. Each destination the same; special treatment, jealous stares from beautiful girls dreaming of being in my shoes and wondering how I was the chosen one, cameras, body guards, 3 bedroom suites with champagne and fine chocolates, views of the city. Whisking off in escorted vans, interviews in three different languages and my hot soccer date on TV. It’s all so surreal and as our final destination draws near to where me and my soccer player will part I fight the urge to care that our fling will soon be done and replaced instead with distant moments and memories to be remembered.

However, on our last flight together my soccer player prolongs the enivitable by inviting me to stay with him at his home the two nights I will be in Spain. YES, YES, YES and YES again! I am so excited, but manage to keep my cool as I realize saying goodbye like this will result in the same pain one encounters when pulling the bandage from their wound slowly, inch by inch rather in one quick and final movement. I ignore the thought and instead tell him I have to first check into my hotel in order to avoid the questions from my pilots. Shortly after parting for what I thought would be the last time he picked me up at my hotel and zoomed me away from the hotel in his $80,000 SUV and up the winding cobble stone roads of Barcelona toward his home overlooking the city lights and the stadium where he makes his fortune.

His home is like a fortress minus the mote but just as difficult to penetrate. He pushes buttons and enter codes, watchful cameras blink red lights signaling their ability to watch my every move. I stay near him, the hardness of his body providing unnecessary protection yet welcomed comfort. I have never felt a body like his. Every inch of him is as hard as granite and just as awe inspiring. Damn!

He gives me a tour of his home as any good host would and later that night around 10 p.m. cooks me dinner. Am I in Heaven and if I am can I stay for awhile? As he cooks us dinner I sit on the counter watching him, enjoying the moment and taking it all in so as not to be forgotten. Who knew the boy could cook as well as he played? I thought perfection was left to fairy tales, but here I am witness to a reality that could very much be mistaken for a fairy tale if one did not keep their head about her.

And so we sit and laugh, enjoying the simplicity of the moment. We finish our dinner of fresh pasta and homemade sauce and leave the dishes in the sink for the maids as we head upstairs to unpack. The boy has bought about $10,000 worth of clothes and shoes during his trip so unpacking takes forever. I end up falling asleep only to be awoken hours later by gentle kisses and his strong and perfect arms wrapped around my small body. I snuggle into his warmth, content and quickly slip back to reality for the dreaming is left for when I am awake.

Almost a year later I still hear from the boy occasionally and most recently have begun to look at homes for him to buy here on the West Coast of California as requested. This brings me to where I am today.

Currently I am living in weather always perfect, sun always shinning, water always warm, perfect surf San Diego. Family circumstances brought me here, but before that I was living in an apartment run-a-muck by cockroaches - literally - in a city run-a-muck with wealthy, eternal bachelors. One day I even found one in my shirt, squished against my stomach, a cockroach that is, not a man.

Okay so now you know where I live, but what do I do? When living in Redondo Beach trying whatever I could to make ends meet while never working for anyone but myself I started a luxury yacht concierge business called Mermaid Yacht Services. This is what I did for money when I met Tucker so one evening while eating a plate of blackened Salmon in a candle lit restaurant in Santa Monica Tucker suggested that I do my concierge business on private jets. Tucker's insight is what led me to learn more about the private jet world. So here I am a flight attendant on private jets learning about the business and gathering research, insight and networking as I develop my business plan - I am a business developer after all. You see Tucker flies private and as we sat across from one another, me mesmerized, him working his charm he suggested I do my business on private jets as it would yield more money. Besides it really does make sense since the majority of private fliers are also luxury yacht owners and so it all began. The real estate happened by default. My father is a broker in San Diego and since I was now living here and have my license it just sort of happened. There in lies the answer to the questions - ‘what in the heck does this girl do and who is she?’

And so it continues...