If things get too uncomfortable...

I got called for a flight...

A pilot who looks freakishly similar to Tucker called to see if I could take it. I haven't flown with this pilot in over a year! Remember that ass kissing I was telling you about??? Well I guess it worked, cause here I am bright and incredibly early at Van Nuys Airport preparing the Gulfsteam for a flight to the East Coast - Destination NYC with stops along the way.

As I am unloading my things onto the plane the Pilot approaches me,

"I have to warn you these guys party as hard as they work." I stare, he continues "We are making a few stops, our first one is in Vegas where we will pick up the other VP of the company along with some 'entertainment'. As you know everything is confidential in this business. If things get too uncomfortable back here for you, you are welcome to come sit up in the cockpit with us."
I stare, smile sweetly and respond "Oh no worries, I can handle it" I say as I straighten up the stack of Playboy Magazines and other similar ones that are strewn across the sofa.

Oh CRAP! I have heard of these "types" of flights, but I had yet to experience one. ewwww yuck!
But hey this is my job and one must always hold a level of professionalism in the work place no matter what... right?

My passenger pulls up (30 minutes late) to his $20 million gulfstream that costs $5,000/hr to operate in fuel alone! He gets out of his black expensive foreign made automobile. He is an older man in his late 50's possibly early 60's, tall, thin. Not incredibly good looking but not bad looking either. You could tell in his day he was a very attractive man, but now he looks like he's led a very rough life. Too much partying and not enough beauty rest. He boards his private jet, we introduce ourselves and he asks me for a "coffee, black". I hand him his coffee as he struggles to tie his tie. He gives up and tosses it on the seat next to him and settles into his leather seat as the plane begins to move.

The plane takes off and I get to work making sure my passenger is happy. "Can I get you more coffee, an omelette?" He wants to wait for the next leg before having breakfast but would like "a vodka with juice." It's 8am on a MONDAY but hey who am I to judge ? ? He's the one making enough millions to fly in a private jet while I struggled to find the money to fill the tank of my 4 runner. So I make him a stiff one. I cringe as I make it but as he takes his first sip I see the furrow of his brow cease as the liquid takes control of his veins.

25 minutes later we land in Vegas. My passenger is amped while I'm thinking "oh boy! Here we go! Can I handle this?" :/ The passengers arrive, but instead of the borage of women there is one single man walking down the tarmac. The smile on my pax quickly turns upside down.

We have one more stop. We pick up a girl about 2 hrs out from NYC. She has a "thing" with one of my passengers. Miss walks out of the FBO with Mr. She looks like every other "Hollywood" type girl, blonde flowing hair, tall and thin with boobs that make her waist look like that of Barbie. I pass her on the tarmac as they walk out to the plane. She casts her eyes toward me then down to the ground. I find it strange that she would find me intimidating, but I see it in her eyes that she is. She's not happy that I'll be on the plane with her and "her" man and it's not helping that my pax have coined me with the name "Sweetness"

I am relieved that my so called/expected "party" flight is nothing more then a Mr. picking up his Miss

Fast Fwd: The next day we pick up Miss & Mr. and Miss has a rock on her left hand the size of a small child! I can't help but stare - It has to be fake! Doesn't it?! I mean seriously, we'll have to redistribute the weight on the plane just so we don't end up flying sideways into NYC.

We are headed to NYC for the night - Tucker (no not my pilot look-alike) is in the city too on business, he might be investing in a Broadway Show. I leave my pilots to fend for themselves at the hotel as I rush up to my room, change and catch a cab into the city to meet Tucker at Rock of Ages. I haven't seen Tucker in months and I am anxious to see him again!

In the morning our pax board the Gulfstream and Miss was able to fit in a shopping spree in less then 24hrs. Mr. bought Miss a pair of Jimmy Choos and a Jacket for a grand total of $2,000. On our way back to the West Coast our first stop is to drop the Miss off at her destination. We are left waiting while Mr. & Miss whisper promises that they will be together soon...

As the plane takes off my lead pax approaches Mr.

"So what are you going to tell
your wife when you get home?"...

Diet Coke and the Uber Wealthy

So this is my first "official" blog although I have blogged a million times in my head the situations that have occured while flying the uber weathly in their private jets. The socialites, the celebs, the makers and shakers, the business guru, the no names. And seriously I must ask! at what point did all these people start flying private while I scrounge for a few bucks to be able to buy a ticket in the luggage compartment of southwest. Really though the best way to fly free is to zip yourself up in a hardcase suitcase have your buddy mingle you in with someones else's luggage at the curb and the world suddenly become your gateway - just don't forget your VOSS water and Diet Coke of course. Cause I swear, those with a high net worth ONLY drink Diet Coke AND by the gallons, its a fact! I haven't had a passenger yet that drinks anything else. Oh and dont get me wrong we offer everything and 10 out of 10 times its diet coke. That is except for Mrs. King, she prefers diet barg's rootbeer, but just for the fizz, straight from the can. i must say, i only drink Diet Coke now and just the other day I found a nickel on the ground, 4 cents more then the typical penny I find almost daily, so...

...there must be something to it!

Diet Coke Continued:

Okay so perhaps I am just imagining it but I don't think so - There is in fact a correlation between DIet Coke and the Uber wealthy. I just finished watching Tropic Thunder and in the very first 5 minutes we cut to Tom Cruise (high net worth Movie Producer) screaming on the video web for a "DIET COKE!!!!!" and throughout the movie we see Diet Coke somewhere on the screen when the clip goes to the movie producer (Tom Cruise) in his big lavish office in some $30,000 a month rent sky rise talking about massive sums of money and a GIV. Come on people! In this failing economy can we really take the chance?! Start drinking DIET COKE already! I can almost promise you the money will start flowing, or at the very least the ideas that you have, if followed through on will bring you all the money you hoped for IF you drink Diet Coke. Like the saying goes "An Apple a Day Keeps the Doctor Away" in todays day in age of turmoil, conflicts and 401k's turning into 201k's the saying should go -

"A Diet Coke a Day Brings the Money Your Way"...

lifestyles of the rich

...the first thing I do when I get called for a flight to fly the uber weathly around the globe is GOOGLE them. You just have to love google! No? I mean how else would you know if the person you're about to go on a first date with is a serial killer? Married? Drugee? Or is going to take you to paris for dinner on his private jet instead of to his parents house - where he lives - so his mom can cook the two of you dinner?

But really back to the point- I google them, of course. And to my disappointment it's just another uber wealthy family, no claim to fame just sickingly RICH! So here I am sitting at the FBO where we wait for the passengers who must go off a different time zone then me because they are running late at usual. Just the same ol story "Hurry up and wait".

So I chat it up with the pilots hoping that if I do enough ass kissing I will get more flights-I'm contract after all and every ass kiss could lead to another flight and one dollar closer to the millions I will need before its me that is an hour late for my private flight to wherever I darn well please!

So they finally roll up - my extremely wealthy, perfect passengers to the Gulfstream V. Zooming onto the turmac in their loaded Range Rover and Audi. It's Mrs. with her young, extremely sexy boyfriend and her three kids off to enjoy the weekend in Utah skiing the slopes. I say "Skiing" because the uber rich don't "Board" it's WAY to middle class.

I am told not to mention to Mrs. that Mr. is off on another flight to another place with another Miss, but this is how the wealthy do it and I don't question it or judge it any more. Megan, the mother, is beautiful. Her kids are donned in the best clothing and I can't help but think as I hang up a hip leather jacket "would they know if it just disappeared?" Nevermind, it wouldn't fit me anyways.

There are 3 pilots for this flight and the jump seat is taken so I sit back with the passengers as we take off and I strike up a conversation with the son. A good looking kid - James Dean meets Harry Potter - probably 15 or 16 and extremely intelligent, I wish he were older and would ask me out As our conversation progresses I suddenly feel very public school educated and quickly shut my mouth. "what was that he was saying about Huck Finn? Did my public school teachers tell me that?"! As we reach 10,000 feet it is time for me to do my thing. I undue the gold buckle around my waist, slip out of the silky white leather seats and take my place in the galley preparing the meals I will serve on china and crystal to the run of the mill-

just another perfectly wealthy family.