Saturday, May 30, 2009

Unanswered Questions:



May 19th, 2009

It’s 9:30 at night, I am sitting on my fluffy, bleach white bed at Shutters in Santa Monica. I am exhausted after a flight home from the Bahamas with the Cyrus family but not too exhausted to indulge in a perfectly grilled & seasoned plate of salmon and broccolini after reading lazily in the jetted spa tub overlooking the ocean while sipping on an obsessively expensive glass of Zinfandel and lost in The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemmingway. Tucker is at the Cannes Film Festival and will be arriving here tomorrow so that we can go to dinner. He set up a room for me tonight and tomorrow along with some spending cash so that I could stay in town and be here when he returns from France after a week of pushing his films to the international markets.

I am looking forward to seeing his smile, it has been too long. The last time we saw each other was in New York when he took me to a Broadway show he would be investing in. After the show we hopped into a waiting black SUV and settled in as the driver zoomed us through the city towards Tucker’s hotel, 60 Thompson, so that we could grab a drink and a bite to eat. His suite with mirror polished wood floors, bedroom, living room, guest bathroom and a view of the city screams luxury. Tucker pops a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and we settle into our routine. It has been nearly a month since then. Our schedules keep us busy and makes it difficult for us to see each other very often. Add on the two hour drive that separates us and it’s next to impossible to see each other much more then we do.

So, as I sit in the center of my bed savoring the meal laid out in front of me I find myself both excited and anxious about Tucker’s arrival tomorrow. Why does he want to see me so bad that he’s willing to drop a couple grand on a hotel room so that I can stick around until he returns? Is he hoping for something I am not willing to give? I know, I know, you’re thinking dumb question right? Normally I would agree but Tucker knows I won’t go down that road with him. However, I am starting to worry that I need to clarify this again.

On the other hand, I can’t help but hope that he is simply doing this because he genuinely misses me like he says he does and has no expectations of anything more then dinner and our typical amazing conversations tomorrow night before twisting up with one another to the sound of the waves. It's not that I don't want more with Tucker but rather it's because I have decided that I no longer want to ride down the middle of the road with him. I’m okay with us being friends or more then friends, of course, but I am not okay with doing anything less then those two options. So as a way of testing the waters I have been treading in for nearly two years I have told him no more craziness and he seems, so far, to be okay with it. Perhaps though he is hoping a little bit of pampering will loosen the girdle. The realization that this might be the purpose of his charm suddenly makes me regret having agreed to this rendezvous.

How to get out of this?



Moments after having this thought I am saved by a txt that reads: ‘Are you still available for a flight leaving tomorrow?’ Why yes, yes I am! I txt Tucker the news and apologize for having to leave before his arrival. I cancel our ocean front room for the following night and our massages. I am off to the East Coast in the morning and have avoided having to ask him for an answer to the question that still hangs in the air. “Was it about sex or was it about something more?”
A question a girl always wants an answer to but


a question a girl must never ask the boy.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Life of Them:

Stars, they’re just like us but with more money. No seriously they are. Many of us look at stars like immortals, wanting to be like them, look like them, dress like them. Some even go as far as getting plastic surgery mimicking the look of their famed starlet. These stars are our idols, fashion guru, gateway to a world most of us will never experience simply because we will don’t have the cash flow to shop on Rodeo, or fly in a Gulf-stream drifting through a sunset and into a sunrise. We think their world is perfect, that they have no flaws, no issues, no worries, that they always get their heart throb and never any heartaches. In other words they can have their cake and eat it too but they don’t and besides who came up with that lame saying anyway? What’s the point in having cake and not being able to eat it? Can we please come up with a better saying then this when it comes to wanting the things we think we want in life but can not have? That saying is for the birds! Now there’s a saying worth keeping around and applies to the ideals we perceive of the stars and the pedestals we place them on.

Today, I flew an obsessively famous young girl who at the age of 16 in one year earned $25 million. There are not many, if only a handful of people who would not know who she is. She is plastered all over the TV, the magazines, little girls envy and covet her life as well as most girls at any age. To them she is perfect. Perfect life, perfect family, perfect smile, perfect voice, perfect boyfriend, simply perfect. However, this girl is far from having insecurities similar to, if not exactly like every other person that fantasizes about living her life and walking in her Jimmy Choos shoes. We have an image in our minds of what it must be like to be them, but our ideals are usually terribly misconstrued.

As the GIV revved up and the wealthy, ‘we can have any materialistic thing our hearts desire’ family settled in with loaded anticipation for their family vacation to the Bahamas this ‘perfect’ girl flipped through the magazines and as the plane taxied the girls, loud and boisterous talked about Prada, plastic surgery and a new set of ‘racks’, tattoos and the latest fashions. In the midst of the conversation the ‘perfect’ girl continued to flip through the glossy pages of “People” magazine and as she studied each famous face the insecurities flourished engulfing the ‘perfect’ girl in the same way it does every girl or boy that flips through the same glossy pages and sees a beautiful face staring back. As she looked she voiced her fears, her insecurities ‘people think I am dumb, but it’s just that I am smarter then them,’ ‘she’s so beautiful I wish I looked like her’ - I wish, I wish, I wish, I want, I want, I want. Little do we all realize we are those same people plastered on the glossy pages. We are just like them, they are just like us just with more cash in the bank, more worries and less opportunity to enjoy the simple things in life like a lunch with friends that isn’t being watched and contrived into something sinister by the hidden face clicking photographs and creating an entire headline out of a brief moment of a second of that famous persons life.

The sad reality is those people want to be us. Those people look at our lives and want the freedom to walk down the street, enjoy a cup of coffee at their local coffee shop, hug their friends, shop and take a vacation all without the pointing, the stares and the cameras flashing causing momentary blindness and the stories that will inevitably ensue as a result of doing what we, the ‘mediocre’, get to do freely everyday. True we may not have the high net worth these glossy faces do and when we take our vacations we most likely will be flying coach all while rubbing elbows with the sweaty, too large for the seat passenger beside us and once at our destination we will not be checking into the Four Seasons at $900/night but we are free to do what we want, be what we want and love who we want without scrutiny from strangers. The simple fact is, no amount of money can buy that kind of luxury.


So be happy! Love what you’ve had in your life, what you have in your life and what you will be blessed with in your life but,

be careful of what you ask for
because you might just get it...

My Online Dating Profile:



I LOVE to travel. I like surfing, camping, diving. I like working out, running, hiking, bike rides, walks/runs on the beach. Amusement parks, going out to eat, reading. I like game nights w/ my friends, cooking dinner, sunsets & sunrises, music

my job:

I travel a lot for business. And I never know when I am going to be traveling so I need a guy who is secure and understands when I have to jet off. I am goal oriented and work hard at my job, but I will always make time for my man ;)

my ethnicity:

On my dads side, Croatian. On my Moms side German & Irish...I'm a mut I guess, but Lady Godiva is in my family tree! Which pretty much explains me ;)

my education:

I have a BA in Environmental Studies.

favorite hot spots:

Swamis. Las Olas in Cardiff, wine bars & Italian Restaurants. I want to travel to Cambodia, Croatia, Peru, Italy, Africa, Caymans Europe, Dubai, Argentina, River Raft dwn the Grand Canyon, Sky Dive. Cabana on the ocean, Maldives. Live music

favorite things:

I love the rain, I like running in the rain or cuddled up on the couch w/ a fire, tea & a book. Enchiladas, mac & cheese, plain yogurt, tofu. Spending time w/ family, friends. Being outside, active, Daffodils, tight hugs.

last read:

The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale - a classic. The Celestine Prophecy, TRUMP, The Richest Man In Babylon, Ernest Hemingway


About my life and what I'm looking for

I am a girl that likes to have fun and works hard to create a good life for myself. I want a guy who is ambitious and driven in life and is always striving to be better, spiritually, intellectually, emotionally and knows how to have fun in life. I am looking for a guy that loves to travel, loves the ocean, is romantic and affectionate.
I love taking care of my man, cooking him dinner and doing little things for him that make him feel special, but don't "expect" this, I am not your mom and I want a guy that knows how to take care of himself, is self-sufficient and successful. I want a guy that pays attention to the little things and appreciates these things. Looking for a guy who is family oriented, has a close group of friends likes to go out but is not a partier or drinker. I want a guy that is patient, honest, loyal, has strong ethic & moral values, believes in God or is spiritual, is intelligent and can have deep, meaningful conversations. A guy that can laugh and have fun, doesn't take life too seriously and is a hard worker, manly handyman. I am a very independent girl, I know what I want and go after it. I am driven and intellectual, I can fit into any social situation and feel equally comfortable dining at a Four Seasons or the local pub. When I travel I want to engulf myself in the culture which typically means I like my travels to be 3/4 weeks long, but happily love the short vacation too! I love helping others and animals. I am a big animal lover and I love older people, I think they are adorable and that there is so much we can learn from them. I want a guy that is willing to try knew things and who encourages me to try new things. I am incredibly supportive of my man, his goals and ambitions and I want the same support & encouragement from him. I do not want a guy that expects me to drop my life, I want us to be a partnership, always there for one another. I don't like games, if you like me then like me and let's do what it takes to have a happy, healthy, romantic and affectionate relationship that others envy. Life is too short to settle, we only go around once and I do not believe in staying in something that is not healthy, does not make me strive to be a better person or that doesn't make me happy. I want someone to match me or bring me up, not bring me down. I don't think chivalry should be dead, I like when a guy opens the car door for me. I like to feel protected and cared for. Walk on the street side when strolling with me on the side walk, put your hand on my back when we cross a street. When did we take out the word "gentle" when referring to men? I want a gentleman :)
What you will get from me. I love love love being there for my man and doing little sweet things for him. If I am your girl I am YOUR girl and you never have to worry. I am affectionate, caring, sexy, loving, honest - I can not tell a lie, I've tried and I am terrible at it! ;)
In the end, I want a friend. Someone to confide in, to work out situations and find solutions together.

Someone I could not imagine living without just because...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Let Me Introduce You To Me...

May 5th, 2009

So it appears there is a bit of confusion out there...
Who is this girl and what does she do? Is she a flight attendant on private jets or a real estate agent? No worries I completely understand the confusion, I ask this same question of myself everyday - who am I, what do I do? I mean who doesn’t? Honestly though I get that my blog is probably just as confusing as my life. If you want I could sit here and write a daily mundane journal of my life like the rest of the population but that’s not why you’re reading it, is it? Besides my life is anything but mundane. If I could I would blog a life that flowed like the delta river out to the sea. One direction, knowing its destination, getting caught every once in a while in a puddle on the side of the bank where it can sit, breath and re-group and perhaps catch some rays but no I am more like the Bermuda Triangle. Water screaming in every which direction, pulling, pushing, diving, jumping, spinning. Yep, that's me. I even have a motto for my life:

'I do a little bit of everything and I am great at every little thing I do'.

(Tucker loves this quote of mine. He swears he’ll put it in one of his movies, but I didn’t coin him with the name ‘Tucker the Talker’ for nothing and so I don’t hold my breath for his words to become a reality but it would be really cool if he did!)

I use to call myself an entrepreneur but on a flight one day with some uber rich male playboys I over heard one of “the girls” tell the boys “I am an entrepreneur”. Wait a second here, did I hear her right? Crap, no wonder I can never get a boy to take my business plan seriously when I ask for his advice and insight. The whole time he's thinking 'so when is this entrepreneur going to stop blabbing and get on her knees?'

Note to self: When asked what I do for a living, for the love of goodness DO NOT say you are an entrepreneur! Simply state 'I am a business developer' - CHECK. That otta solve this problem.

So anyways back to your questions: 'who is this girl?' - Ahhh well if you and me had more time then a blog I could start from the beginning, but the basics are laid out like this: Since the ripe ol' age of 5 I have had a boyfriend. No silly not the same one, many. But I am what you would call an "innocent" or as the boys in high school would say "a locked box" but I suppose being called this in high school outweighs the alternative and so I have remained. Of course I’ve slept with my boyfriends, I am not claiming to be the Virgin Mary, but I don’t sleep around either. Ever since the first grade I have jumped from one boyfriend to the next kinda like a monkey who won't let go of one branch until she, at the very least has the next branch in view. In college I changed majors just as often as boys and now I change jobs just as frequently as I did majors. So please try and keep up, good luck, and if you can will you please fill me in cause I am still lost when it comes to figuring me out?

I use to say there was a one year expiration date and when that expiration got near...watch out! You know kinda like that pint of yogurt in your fridge that says ‘Best Used By...’ well that’s how I view the majority of things in my life, switch up flavors when it gets old. So typically as the ‘Best Used By’ year gets closer I start getting itchy feet, I get bored, eager to check out new sites, new flavors new adventures, change the scene. As a result my picture changes often. The one thing that remains constant in my life is that it is always changing, except for my family & friends of course. They’re more like Twinkies. Hanging out in the back of my cupboard, no expiration, always standing by. There in my weakest moments, satisfaction guaranteed, unconditional and always filled with love. Gotta love’em!

Despite my desire to always switch up my scene the flavor - ie: my boyfriends, typically have a longer “Use by” date. In fact, most of my relationships have been, on average three years. However, I don’t like surprises and I like knowing when the hurtful break-up is going to ensue and so I am usually the one that kicks up my heels and walks away. Now don’t go getting all judge-mental on me, by no means were any of these boys perfect and often times f’up up royally (that is all but one, but even then something was missing and so I said goodbye). I figure why bother? Keep swinging until I can reach the next branch, perhaps this next one can actually hold me.

After my last dreadfully awful relationship that lasted 2 years and 8 months longer then it ever should have ended I decided to finally take a break from boys. Well not boys perse, and I am not switching to girls, but a break from relationships. For the first time in my life I decided to just go out and have fun, date whoever I want and as many as I want, stay away from serious and live vicariously through dating. Re-discover me, what I want in my life rather then what he/they always wanted from me. So here I am a free woman unleashed to do, see, be who I want to be with no one to worry about but me and I must admit it feels fabulous! Now I know the grass is always greener on the other side, but for the first time I think mine actually is so I think I’ll hang here for a bit and as the saying goes “mow my own grass”.

This is how I came to meet Tucker a boy that I... well we... well he... well crap... I have no idea what we are if anything, but whatever it is I like to call it ‘my on-going date’. To sum it up we have fun together and when we are together he acts as if I am the only woman in the room and I feel incredibly sexy when I am with him. I imagine he is very good at making all women feel this way when they are with him. I have no doubt that he is a playboy, but there is an innocence about him, an awkwardness that I find endearing. Now I have never had a relationship with anyone like Tucker. He’s one of the untouchables - the Los Angeles eternal Bachelor. He’s incredibly, sexy, charming, intelligent, wealthy and powerful. I would like to think I will make my match with someone like this and it’s fun to pretend as if me and Tucker are. However, if nothing else I am practical and I have read the book “He’s Just Not That Into You” and so I know that what we have is what we have, nothing more, but nothing less then what it is, fun. After all it’s hard to turn down evenings at the Four Seasons, exotic dinners by candle light at the latest hot spots. Waking up to the sound of the ocean as I lay curled up in the warmth of his arms in his beach house nestled on the hills of Malibu overlooking an unobstructed view of the ocean as I lay in his bed. Not to mention the shopping sprees at Barney’s, massages and dinners with other high net worth makers and shakers, famous actors and the mayor of Los Angeles approaching our table to shake hands with my date. And so a year and a half after meeting Tucker at club Tao in Las Vegas we still meet up about once a month for dinner, good conversation, laughs and spooning. However, my life and dating routine does not revolve around our moments and so I have dated other boys since meeting Tucker and I can happily gloat that Tucker is not my only millionaire.

Another boy I dated for a moment, better described as a summer fling I met on one of my flights. I was called for a last minute flight leaving for Mexico, Chile, Argentina and New York with a final destination in Barcelona Spain. I was told by dispatch that my lead passenger was a world famous soccer player. Well, I played soccer in high school but it is not a sport I follow. Heck, for that matter there aren’t any sports that I follow and so I had no idea what my soccer player looked like as 8 gorgeous men boarded my plane nor in that moment did I care. I was a happy girl, this was going to be a fun trip and so it was.

Moments into the flight one of my gorgeous passengers was making a serious move on me and to be honest I was slightly embarrassed by his forwardness. Toward the end of our first leg after much flirting and intentional ‘accidental’ bumping into he asked me what I would be doing once we got to Chile and if I would like to grab dinner and go out on the town with him and the rest of the boys. I was screaming inside ‘Heck yes!’ but I innocently said ‘sure’ as I handed him my phone number. Who cares who the famous soccer player is, this boy is hot. Later that night as I sat with my pilots in the VIP lounge drinking a glass of wine I got a call from my boy. They’re ready to head to dinner and he wants me to meet them in the lobby of their hotel in an hour.

I flag down a taxi and as my driver pulls into the driveway on their hotel my heartbeat hits overdrive. I walk into the lobby but do not see him. I call his phone, he doesn’t answer. Should I sit in the bar and wait, or in the lounge? Hmmm. I decide instead to be pro-active so I go up to the front desk and ask for his room number. The guy behind the desk stares at me wide eyed and does not respond so I assume he does not understand what I am asking him with my broken spanish. Nevermind, it’s not important, I’ll wait. I wander around for a moment before my boy calls, peeks his head out of a set of double doors and summons me to enter the room. He holds the door open for me and we walk back into the room together. Suddenly my date is surrounded by body guards and flashing cameras. I scoot to the side, not knowing what to do.

Holy Crap! My date IS the world famous soccer player.
You have got to be kidding! How did I not know this?

Dumb question right? But who’s thinking straight in moment like this? No wonder the guy behind the desk just stared at me like I was nuts and said he wouldn’t be listed under his name.

My famous date finishes up his interview and we all pile into a van as the driver starts the engine. There are two vans. Me and my eight gorgeous passengers are in one, we all say hi and kiss each other on the cheek, Eurpopean style - double sided. The other van is loaded with body guards and another body guard sits in the front passenger seat of our van as the two vans head off toward dinner. As we approach our destination up ahead the restaurant is surrounded by the paparazzi, lights flashing, photographers crowding, invading. Before the driver even stops my date is out of the van in a flash, surrounded by a sea of body guards and ushered into the restaurant. I am left to fend for myself. I step out of the van and walk into the maze of flashing lights toward the entry of the restaurant through the throngs of cameras that are popping my personal bubble. I am in a daze and it’s not a result of the flashing lights.

We sit and eat sushi, my date is charming and funny. We laugh as he steals pieces of sushi from my chop sticks as I attempt to take a bite. His body guards have positioned themselves around the table and as the restaurant patrons stare we continue on as if we are the only people in the restaurant. We finish dinner and as we stand to leave and return to the van my dates manager asks me to hang back so that the paparazzi does not get pictures of me and my famous date leaving the restaurant together.

We arrive at the club and the rest of the night continues on like this. Flashing cameras, stares, pointing, crowds, invasion of my bubble and body guards. My date and I are dancing to the beat of the inccessently loud, thumping music. He has great moves. He moves closer and closer, our cheeks touching his lips brushing my neck and cheek. He goes in for the kiss, but I don’t dare. He is my passenger, I must uphold a level of professionalism. Dancing? Sure, why not? Kissing? No way mister. I am a lady after all.

We take a break from the hip grinding and I head for the ladies room. One of the body guards looms over, I assume it’s because he needs to use the restroom but instead he stands guard at the entryway into the ladies room, guarding me as I pee and not allowing anyone else to enter. Now this is something I could get used too! As me and my body guard head back through the club toward our private balcony overlooking the sea of club goers my body guard grabs me and places me in front of him. I prepare myself for the all too familiar act of swimming up stream through a torrent of salty clubbers, but instead there is a clear path in front of me as if Moses has parted the sea. I am in awe as I glide untouched between a trail of body guards that hold the fans at bay. I have become famous by default. Everyone wants a glimpse of the girl who’s dating the worlds most famed and highest paid soccer player.

The trip continues on. Each destination the same; special treatment, jealous stares from beautiful girls dreaming of being in my shoes and wondering how I was the chosen one, cameras, body guards, 3 bedroom suites with champagne and fine chocolates, views of the city. Whisking off in escorted vans, interviews in three different languages and my hot soccer date on TV. It’s all so surreal and as our final destination draws near to where me and my soccer player will part I fight the urge to care that our fling will soon be done and replaced instead with distant moments and memories to be remembered.

However, on our last flight together my soccer player prolongs the enivitable by inviting me to stay with him at his home the two nights I will be in Spain. YES, YES, YES and YES again! I am so excited, but manage to keep my cool as I realize saying goodbye like this will result in the same pain one encounters when pulling the bandage from their wound slowly, inch by inch rather in one quick and final movement. I ignore the thought and instead tell him I have to first check into my hotel in order to avoid the questions from my pilots. Shortly after parting for what I thought would be the last time he picked me up at my hotel and zoomed me away from the hotel in his $80,000 SUV and up the winding cobble stone roads of Barcelona toward his home overlooking the city lights and the stadium where he makes his fortune.

His home is like a fortress minus the mote but just as difficult to penetrate. He pushes buttons and enter codes, watchful cameras blink red lights signaling their ability to watch my every move. I stay near him, the hardness of his body providing unnecessary protection yet welcomed comfort. I have never felt a body like his. Every inch of him is as hard as granite and just as awe inspiring. Damn!

He gives me a tour of his home as any good host would and later that night around 10 p.m. cooks me dinner. Am I in Heaven and if I am can I stay for awhile? As he cooks us dinner I sit on the counter watching him, enjoying the moment and taking it all in so as not to be forgotten. Who knew the boy could cook as well as he played? I thought perfection was left to fairy tales, but here I am witness to a reality that could very much be mistaken for a fairy tale if one did not keep their head about her.

And so we sit and laugh, enjoying the simplicity of the moment. We finish our dinner of fresh pasta and homemade sauce and leave the dishes in the sink for the maids as we head upstairs to unpack. The boy has bought about $10,000 worth of clothes and shoes during his trip so unpacking takes forever. I end up falling asleep only to be awoken hours later by gentle kisses and his strong and perfect arms wrapped around my small body. I snuggle into his warmth, content and quickly slip back to reality for the dreaming is left for when I am awake.

Almost a year later I still hear from the boy occasionally and most recently have begun to look at homes for him to buy here on the West Coast of California as requested. This brings me to where I am today.

Currently I am living in weather always perfect, sun always shinning, water always warm, perfect surf San Diego. Family circumstances brought me here, but before that I was living in an apartment run-a-muck by cockroaches - literally - in a city run-a-muck with wealthy, eternal bachelors. One day I even found one in my shirt, squished against my stomach, a cockroach that is, not a man.

Okay so now you know where I live, but what do I do? When living in Redondo Beach trying whatever I could to make ends meet while never working for anyone but myself I started a luxury yacht concierge business called Mermaid Yacht Services. This is what I did for money when I met Tucker so one evening while eating a plate of blackened Salmon in a candle lit restaurant in Santa Monica Tucker suggested that I do my concierge business on private jets. Tucker's insight is what led me to learn more about the private jet world. So here I am a flight attendant on private jets learning about the business and gathering research, insight and networking as I develop my business plan - I am a business developer after all. You see Tucker flies private and as we sat across from one another, me mesmerized, him working his charm he suggested I do my business on private jets as it would yield more money. Besides it really does make sense since the majority of private fliers are also luxury yacht owners and so it all began. The real estate happened by default. My father is a broker in San Diego and since I was now living here and have my license it just sort of happened. There in lies the answer to the questions - ‘what in the heck does this girl do and who is she?’

And so it continues...