Unanswered Questions:

May 19th, 2009

It’s 9:30 at night, I am sitting on my fluffy, bleach white bed at Shutters in Santa Monica. I am exhausted after a flight home from the Bahamas with the Cyrus family but not too exhausted to indulge in a perfectly grilled & seasoned plate of salmon and broccolini after reading lazily in the jetted spa tub overlooking the ocean while sipping on an obsessively expensive glass of Zinfandel and lost in The Old Man and The Sea by Ernest Hemmingway. Tucker is at the Cannes Film Festival and will be arriving here tomorrow so that we can go to dinner. He set up a room for me tonight and tomorrow along with some spending cash so that I could stay in town and be here when he returns from France after a week of pushing his films to the international markets.

I am looking forward to seeing his smile, it has been too long. The last time we saw each other was in New York when he took me to a Broadway show he would be investing in. After the show we hopped into a waiting black SUV and settled in as the driver zoomed us through the city towards Tucker’s hotel, 60 Thompson, so that we could grab a drink and a bite to eat. His suite with mirror polished wood floors, bedroom, living room, guest bathroom and a view of the city screams luxury. Tucker pops a bottle of Veuve Clicquot and we settle into our routine. It has been nearly a month since then. Our schedules keep us busy and makes it difficult for us to see each other very often. Add on the two hour drive that separates us and it’s next to impossible to see each other much more then we do.

So, as I sit in the center of my bed savoring the meal laid out in front of me I find myself both excited and anxious about Tucker’s arrival tomorrow. Why does he want to see me so bad that he’s willing to drop a couple grand on a hotel room so that I can stick around until he returns? Is he hoping for something I am not willing to give? I know, I know, you’re thinking dumb question right? Normally I would agree but Tucker knows I won’t go down that road with him. However, I am starting to worry that I need to clarify this again.

On the other hand, I can’t help but hope that he is simply doing this because he genuinely misses me like he says he does and has no expectations of anything more then dinner and our typical amazing conversations tomorrow night before twisting up with one another to the sound of the waves. It's not that I don't want more with Tucker but rather it's because I have decided that I no longer want to ride down the middle of the road with him. I’m okay with us being friends or more then friends, of course, but I am not okay with doing anything less then those two options. So as a way of testing the waters I have been treading in for nearly two years I have told him no more craziness and he seems, so far, to be okay with it. Perhaps though he is hoping a little bit of pampering will loosen the girdle. The realization that this might be the purpose of his charm suddenly makes me regret having agreed to this rendezvous.

How to get out of this?

Moments after having this thought I am saved by a txt that reads: ‘Are you still available for a flight leaving tomorrow?’ Why yes, yes I am! I txt Tucker the news and apologize for having to leave before his arrival. I cancel our ocean front room for the following night and our massages. I am off to the East Coast in the morning and have avoided having to ask him for an answer to the question that still hangs in the air. “Was it about sex or was it about something more?”
A question a girl always wants an answer to but

a question a girl must never ask the boy.